zhinewp

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says “meow” in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says “woof” in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts “potato” to the officer.

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked.

“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. — W. Somerset Maugham

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they’re entitled to a little fun first.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

Spinster: A bachelor’s wife.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one’s wife’s relatives.

Question: Ted Kennedy: “Where was George?”

Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother–I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they wow power leveling found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.
He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says “meow” in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next. wow power leveling
When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says “woof” in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts “potato” to the world of warcraft gold officer.

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked.
“No, thanks,” replied world of warcraft gold the vultures. “They’re carrion.”

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. — wow gold W. Somerset Maugham
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they’re entitled to a little fun first.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
Spinster: A bachelor’s wife.
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one’s wife’s relatives.
Question: Ted Kennedy: “Where was George?”
Answer: wow gold Dry, sober, and at home with his wife
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother–I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

wow gold

wow gold

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Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Why does it *have* to be changed?

Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively modern invention.

Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.

Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: It doesn’t matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn’t worked. It is incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn’t translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know how to do it.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Five. One to screw in the bulb and the other four to call out “Get Back!, Get Back!”.

E-mail this joke to your

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!

You may not drive barefooted.

It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

Masks may not be worn in public.

Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

Incestous marriages are legal.

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

You must have windshield wipers on your car.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

Anniston

You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

Jasper

It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

Lee County

It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

Mobile

It is unlawful to wear women’s pumps with sharp, high heels.

It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

Montgomery

It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

Lease a Nuke!

Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation?

Lease a nuclear device!

In the wake of the former Soviet Union’s demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused.

Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target’s military, political, economic and social well being.

Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police’s encouragement.

Why lease?

By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too.

Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously.

Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers?

Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion

Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why does it *have* to be changed?

Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively modern invention.

Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.

Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn’t matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be flickering, however faintly, so world of warcraft gold it really hasn’t worked. It is incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn’t translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way wow gold back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, they get an American to do it since they are so dammed proud they know how to do it.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to world of warcraft gold change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down wow gold a hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they can all watch his moose moult.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to screw in the bulb and the other four wow gold to call out “Get Back!, Get Back!”.

E-mail this joke to your

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. world of warcraft gold
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
You may not drive barefooted.
It is wow power leveling illegal to wow power leveling maim oneself to escape duty.
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
Men may not spit in front of the wow power leveling opposite sex.
Incestous marriages are legal.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Anniston
You may not wear wow power leveling blue jeans down Noble Street. wow gold
Jasper
It is illegal for a husband wow power leveling to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
Lee County
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
Mobile
It is unlawful to wear women’s pumps with sharp, high heels.
It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
Montgomery
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

Lease a Nuke!
Want power and respect? Want to wow gold influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation?
Lease a nuclear device!
In the wake of the former Soviet Union’s demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental wow gold delivery systems going unused.
Though these systems are wow gold indeed powerful and wow gold destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is world of warcraft gold not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target’s military, political, economic and social well being.
Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally world of warcraft gold announce on world of warcraft gold state radio and television wow gold that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police’s encouragement.
Why lease?
By leasing, you not only save money wow gold developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches wow gold too.
Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years wow gold to aquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously.
Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers?
Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of wow power leveling international opinion
wow gold wow power leveling wow gold world of warcraft gold

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The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.

The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to…to…uhh…

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The chaos in the universe always increases.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

Signs and notices 10

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: “Get a `long` little doggie!”

Sign in a cafeteria: “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want.”

Sign on a music library’s door: “Bach in a minuet.”

Sign in a restaurant window: “T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12″

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: “Today’s special. Below it says: So’s tomorrow.”

Sign on restaurant window: “Great food (50,000 flies can’t be wrong).”

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

Sign in a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”

Sign in school: “In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended.”

“Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it’s students!”

“According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.”

“Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.”

“How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?”

Seen on a woman’s car: “Men call us birds, we pick up worms”

“Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.”

“Give me ambiguity or give me something else.”

“Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”

“I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.”

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free wow power leveling enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to…to…uhh…
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is wow gold required on it.

Signs and notices 10
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various world of warcraft gold locations.
Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: “Get a `long` little doggie!”
Sign in a cafeteria: “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want.”
Sign on a music library’s door: “Bach in a minuet.”
Sign in a restaurant window: “T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12″
A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: “Today’s special. Below it says: So’s tomorrow.”
Sign on restaurant window: “Great food (50,000 flies can’t be wrong).”
Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
Sign in a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends.”
Sign in school: “In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended.” wow gold

world of warcraft gold
“Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it’s students!”
“According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.”
“Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.”
“How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go wow power leveling Away?”
Seen on a woman’s car: “Men call us birds, we pick up worms”
“Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.”
“Give me ambiguity or give me something else.”
“Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?” wow gold
“I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.”

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Seisline prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.

Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.

Say no, then negotiate.

Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.

Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don’t worship it. Feed it.

Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.

Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. - Lewis Lapham, in “Money and Class in America” (1988)

Self starters…will not.

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None: “We’ll document it in the manual.”

Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they forgot to declare it first.

Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?

A: 24 hours–3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries…

Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 1.00000000001

Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10

Q: How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?

A: One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in THEIR socket.

Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: False.

Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: f’(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

Seisline prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds.
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
Say no, then negotiate.
Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.
Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. wow gold Don’t worship it. Feed it.
Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.
Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the wow gold conversation wow gold remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. - Lewis Lapham, in “Money and Class in America” wow gold (1988)
Self starters…will not.
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.
Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: “We’ll document it in the manual.”

Q: How many wow power leveling C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they forgot to declare it first.

Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
A: 24 hours–3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile all the libraries…

Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1.00000000001

Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10

Q: How many games machine programmers does it take to world of warcraft gold screw in a light-bulb?
A: wow gold One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light-bulb in THEIR world of warcraft gold socket.

Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: False.

Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: f’(x) = delta Sum world of warcraft gold log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President wow gold decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The wow power leveling LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”

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WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots….I married their king.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift

EMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping

EMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes Simpler

EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal

EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales

EMACS: Each Manual’s Audience is Completely Stupified

EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen

EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage

EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System

EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity

EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive

EMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court Stallman

EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly

EMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause Senility

EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions

EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins

EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous

EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software

EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe All Commands are Simple

EMACS: Emacs May Allow Customised Screwups

EMACS: Excellent Manuals Are Clearly Suppressed

EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation

EMACS: Embarrassed Manual-Writer Accused of Communist Subversion

EMACS: Extensibility and Modifiability Aggravate Confirmed Simpletons

EMACS: Emacs May Annihilate Command Structures

EMACS: Easily Mangles, Aborts, Crashes and Stupifies

EMACS: Extraneous Macros And Commands Stink

EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Algorithm for Computer Scientists

EMACS: EMACS Makes no Allowances Considering its Stiff price

EMACS: Equine Mammals Are Considerably Smaller

EMACS: Embarrassingly Mundane Advertising Cuts Sales

EMACS: Every Moron Assumes CCA is Superior

EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Autocratic Control System

EMACS: EMACS May Alienate Clients and Supporters

EMACS: Excavating Mayan Architecture Comes Simpler

EMACS: Erasing Minds Allows Complete Submission

EMACS: Emacs Makers Are Crazy Sickos

EMACS: Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo- Macros Are Completely Slow

EMACS: Experience the Mildest Ad Campaign ever Seen

EMACS: Emacs Makefiles Annihilate C- Shells

EMACS: Eradication of Memory

OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz

OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact

OLD ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, and on, and on…

OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings

OLD ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and White

OLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycled

OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feet

OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just go cold

OLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghost

OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed

OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away

OLD FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathers

OLD FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limp

OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired

OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way

Visit the previous joke on this topic!

Visit the next joke on this topic!

he old age jokes page

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots….I married their king.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.
I took an IQ world of warcraft gold test and the results were negative.

EMACS: Escape-Meta-Alt-Control-Shift
EMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping
EMACS: Even a Master of Arts wow gold Comes Simpler
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal
EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales
EMACS: Each Manual’s Audience is Completely Stupified
EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen
EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage
EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive
EMACS: Egregious world of warcraft gold Managers Actively Court Stallman
EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly
EMACS: Emacs Manuals wow gold Always Cause Senility
EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions
EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins
EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous
EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe All Commands are Simple
EMACS: Emacs May Allow Customised Screwups
EMACS: Excellent Manuals Are Clearly Suppressed
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Embarrassed Manual-Writer Accused of Communist Subversion
EMACS: Extensibility and Modifiability Aggravate Confirmed Simpletons
EMACS: Emacs May Annihilate Command Structures
EMACS: Easily Mangles, Aborts, Crashes and Stupifies
EMACS: Extraneous Macros And Commands Stink
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Algorithm for Computer Scientists
EMACS: EMACS Makes no Allowances Considering wow power leveling its Stiff price
EMACS: Equine Mammals Are Considerably Smaller
EMACS: Embarrassingly Mundane Advertising Cuts Sales
EMACS: Every Moron Assumes CCA is Superior
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Autocratic Control System
EMACS: EMACS May Alienate Clients and Supporters
EMACS: Excavating Mayan Architecture Comes Simpler
EMACS: Erasing Minds Allows Complete Submission
EMACS: Emacs Makers Are Crazy Sickos
EMACS: Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo- Macros Are Completely Slow
EMACS: Experience the Mildest Ad Campaign ever Seen
EMACS: Emacs Makefiles Annihilate C- Shells
EMACS: Eradication of Memory

OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact
OLD ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die, they go on, wow gold and on, and wow gold on…
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings
OLD ENGLISH MAJORS do it with Strunk and White
OLD ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die, they are just recycled
OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just get cold feet
OLD ESKIMOES never die, they just go cold
OLD EXORCISTS never die, they just give up the ghost
OLD FARMERS never die, they just go to seed
OLD FARMERS never die, they just spade away
OLD FATHERS never die, they just become grandfathers
OLD FISHERMEN never die, their rods just go limp
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just get reel tired
OLD FISHERMEN never die, they just smell that way

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he old age jokes page

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Writing to Grandma

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:

Dear Grandmother,

I’m sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.

With love,

Mike

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he funny true stories division

Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Never volunteer for anything.

Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it.

Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.

No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.

No good deed goes unpunished.

No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.

No man’s credit is as good as his money.

St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up.

“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?”

“I was a policeman,” he responded.

“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.

“I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.”

“Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.”

A few moments later a second man walks up.

“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?”

“I was a policeman,” he responded.

“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.

“I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.”

“Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.”

A few moments later a third man walks up.

“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?”

“I was a policeman,” he responded.

“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.

“I was a Military Policeman, Sir.”

“Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?”

Writing to Grandma
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:
Dear Grandmother,
I’m sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.
With love,
Mike

Visit the previous joke on this topic!
Visit the next joke on this topic!
he funny true stories division

Never try to warhammer power leveling pacify someone at the height of his rage.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never volunteer for anything.
Never wrestle Warhammer Power leveling a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it.
Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.
No experiment is ever a complete failure; SEO it can always be used as a warhammer power leveling bad example.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No man is cheap warhammer online gold lonely while eating Warhammer gold spaghetti.
No man’s credit is as cheap warhammer online gold good warhammer online gold as his money.

St Peter is standing at heaven’s gate when a man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?”
“I was a policeman,” he responded.
“What kind of policeman?” St Peter asked.
“I was a vice officer. I kept warhammer online money dangerous warhammer powerleveling narcotics out of the hands of kids.”
“Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.”
A warhammer online money few moments later a second man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my warhammer powerleveling son. What did you do Warhammer Power leveling with your life?”
“I was a policeman,” he responded.
“What kind of warhammer online gold policeman?” St Peter asked.
“I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads Warhammer gold and highways safe for travelers.”
“Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.”
A few moments later a third man walks up.
“Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?”
“I was a policeman,” he responded.
“What kind SEO of policeman?” St Peter asked.
“I was a Military Policeman, Sir.”
“Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?”

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On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.

John: Brad, will you get the phone?

Brad: (Sound of frantically clattering keyboard.) I can’t! I’m playing Omega!

John: Ambar, will you get the phone?

Ambar: I can’t! I’m late for work! (Sound of slamming door.)

John: Aimee, will you get the phone?

Aimee: (Sound of running water.) I can’t! I’m in the shower!

John: Glenn, will you get the — (disgusted) Ah, Glenn’s in Denver. Please leave a message.

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”
To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

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1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
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11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
13. I will never put warhammer powerleveling off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.

John: Brad, will you get the phone?
Brad: (Sound of frantically cheapest warhammer gold clattering keyboard.) I can’t! I’m playing Omega!
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John: Aimee, will you get the phone?
Aimee: (Sound of cheapest warhammer gold running water.) SEO I can’t! I’m in the shower!
John: Glenn, will you get the — (disgusted) Ah, Glenn’s in Denver. Please leave a message.

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This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

Real software engineers eat quiche.

Real software engineers don’t read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused.

Real software engineers don’t comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don’t have to.

Real software engineers don’t write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that’s nice. Don’t ask them to write the user interface, though.

If it doesn’t have recursive function calls, real software engineers don’t program in it.

Real software engineers don’t program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought.

Real software engineers don’t debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn’t necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.

Real software engineers like C’s structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get “close to the machine.”

Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don’t like any sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days.

Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don’t tell this to their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy.

Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.

Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very un

This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the warhammer online gold governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

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Real software engineers don’t read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across cheapest war gold them, they are vaguely amused.
Real software engineers don’t warhammer power leveling comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don’t have to.
Real software engineers don’t write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that’s nice. Don’t ask them to write the user interface, though. Warhammer gold
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Real software engineers like C’s structured constructs, but they are suspicious of warhammer powerleveling it because they have heard that it lets you get “close to the machine.”
Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don’t like any sport that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower. (Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days.
Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in. warhammer power leveling They don’t tell this to their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.
Real software engineers write in languages that warhammer powerleveling have not actually been implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is available. This keeps them warhammer online gold from having to take any machine dependencies into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very un

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Real programmers don’t grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they don’t know any other language.

Real programmers don’t notch their desks for each completed service request.

Real programmers don’t number paragraph names consecutively.

Real programmers print only clean compiles.

Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.

Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Repetition does not establish validity.

Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause.) Join the lucky few that have advanced to the next level! (Cheers.) And now, at the sound of the tone, leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message.

If you’re ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don’t stop and think of what other words have ‘under’ in them, because that’s probably the first sign of jungle madness.

Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who hears me, because I am beautiful.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula, but you just say, “Think again, bat man.”

I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.

I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

I think a good movie would be about a guy who’s a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain.

I wouldn’t be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn’t a person, because it would be too small. But there’s a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy–something like that.

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, “You can’t throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.” Sure they eat fish, if that’s all you give them. Man, wise up.

Real programmers don’t grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they don’t know any other language.
Real programmers don’t notch their desks for each completed service request.
Real programmers don’t number paragraph names consecutively.
Real programmers print only clean compiles.
Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.
Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make warhammer power leveling the rules.
Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
Repetition does not establish validity.
Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.
Rule warhammer online gold of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

Congratulations! By correctly dialing 123-4567, you have become eligible to leave a message! (Applause.) Join the lucky few that have advanced warhammer online gold to SEO the next level! (Cheers.) And now, at the sound of the tone, warhammer powerleveling leave your name, number, the time you called, and a brief message.

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Sometimes the beauty of the world is warhammer online gold so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and warhammer online gold gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don’t care who Warhammer gold hears me, because I am beautiful.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon and you cheap warhammer online gold fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula, but you just say, “Think again, bat man.”
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I Warhammer gold say.
I bet for an Indian, shooting a warhammer power leveling old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she cheap warhammer online gold fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
I think a good movie would be about a guy who’s a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain warhammer online gold the makes you want to study the warhammer powerleveling brain.
I wouldn’t be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little SEO baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn’t a person, because it would be too small. But there’s a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy–something like that.
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Ordered to pay fines

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Sunday, November 29, 1992

The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power (DWP) was ordered to pay $333,000 in penalties to Inyo County because DWP’s property tax payment arrived late — after having been sent back for $3.40 in additional postage.

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he funny true stories division

It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.

It is considered an offense to check into a hotel under an assumed name.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!

Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces.

You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay off a gambling debt.

You may not run machinery on Sundays.

You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.

On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.

White Mountain Nat. Forest

If a person is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, or many other kind things without a permit, he/she may be fined $150 for ”maintaining the national forest without a permit”.

Normal traffic stop

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Sunday, December 13, 1992

After police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic stop in Bronson, Fla., in October, a police dog sniffing the trunk became agitated. In the trunk and back seat, officers found the following live animals: 48 rattlesnakes, a Gila monster, 45 non-poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions, several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. Temple said they were just pets.

Visit the previous joke on this topic!

Visit the next joke on this topic!

he funny true stories division

Ordered to pay fines
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Sunday, November 29, 1992
The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power (DWP) was ordered to pay $333,000 in penalties to Inyo County because DWP’s property tax payment arrived late — after having been sent back for $3.40 in additional postage.

Visit the previous joke on this topic!
Visit the next joke on this topic!
he funny true stories division

It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach.
It is considered an offense to cheapest warhammer gold check into a hotel under warhammer power leveling an assumed name.
Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces.
You cannot sell the clothes you are wearing to pay warhammer online gold off a gambling debt.
You may not run machinery on Sundays.
You may not tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time warhammer online money to the music in a tavern, restaurant, cheapest warhammer gold or cafe.
On Sundays citizens may not relieve themselves while looking up.
White Mountain Nat. Forest
If a person Warhammer gold is caught raking the beaches, picking up litter, hauling away trash, building a bench for the park, warhammer online gold or many other kind things without a permit, he/she warhammer online gold may be fined $150 for ”maintaining the national forest without a permit”.

Normal traffic stop
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story SEO is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Sunday, December 13, 1992
After warhammer online money police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic stop in Bronson, Fla., in October, cheap warhammer online gold a police SEO dog sniffing the trunk became agitated. In the trunk and back seat, officers found the following live animals: 48 rattlesnakes, a Gila monster, 45 non-poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions, several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. Temple warhammer power leveling said they were just pets.

Visit the previous joke on this topic!
Visit the warhammer online gold next joke on this topic!
he funny true stories division

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